I’ve Decided to Become Less Modest In Order To Protect My Boys — Scientuality

I reached adulthood carrying a ton of shame baggage. This is due to a couple of things: I’ve had some shitty things happen to me in the past, many of which I’ll just keep to myself because, thanks to shadow work and alot of therapy, speaking them out loud just isn’t so important anymore. Second, I apparently have the perfect combination of personality and temperament to soak up shame without much effort on anyone’s part. Finally, I grew up within a faith tradition, cultural setting, and a worldview belief structure that inadvertently and very unintentionally, I believe, supported shame’s ability to stick on to me. One of the greatest struggles with shame for me personally has been with my body. This shame grrew out of a whole complicated mishmash of things that people have said to me, done to me, my own ignorance, and the deeply ingrained belief I held for decades that I was broken and wrong and not OK…as though I didn’t have a legitimate right to be alive and on this earth. This sounds very melodramatic, but I’m sorry to say it’s true. Thank God I’ve since come a very long way in letting go of all of that crap. Suffice it to say, due to my body shame, I have been extremely modest in the way I dress and act from my childhood up. I remember in gym class all the way through high school even, I hated changing in the locker rooms because God forbid, someone would discover that something was wrong with my body and I was different from everyone else. I had no clue what that thing might be, but I was sure whatever it was, when it was found out, I would be shamed for it. I went to the gynecologist for the first time at age 25, because I was too terrified to go before then and just have someone tell me I was “weird’ or “different’….again, how, I had no clue. I could never feel comfortable in my body and wanted to remain as invisible as possible. I always liked my shoulders and arms, but that was about it. As such, I took to sleeping in my bra at a very young age, and always wore shorts when wearing a swimming suit…sometimes with a tank top as well. The less people saw of me, the less chance they would see the shameful self that I was.

I’ve Decided to Become Less Modest In Order To Protect My Boys — Scientuality
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About Jonathan Caswell

Poet, author, servant of God the Heavenly father and the Lord Jesus Christ...working out his salvation with fear and trembling. - Not trusting in his own deeds, but depending totally upon the finished sacrificial work of Jesus Christ to be, by God's reckoning, a new creature, clothed in Christ's righteousness...which mortal humankind can never attain by their own weak efforts, apart from faith in Christ's work on our behalf. - College-educated, yet wise enough to see that what a man does will not be his ultimate identity nor affect how God sees him or her. - Called by God to do a very difficult thing...apart from God's grace, mercy and strength...to love the sinner (which we all--by nature--are) but hate the sin, which is only paid through Christ, God's Son, - My own God-given gift is that of being a Poet..showing that in all parts of life...God has a loving part in it...as hard as that is to always understand or perceive...given life's realities! Come join me on my journey of discovery?.

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