Tag Archives: parody

“UNOBTAINIUM” MINE

A mine for “unobtanium”

At Clark’s Trading Post,

In mid-state of New Hampshire

May have coined the term first…

But he has ore of his

Named just the same,

It isn’t mined but “isn’t mine”

Part of a mental game!

He thinks he needs people

Whom he’ll never meet,

Who’ll be good examples

Of folks on which he’s sweet…

Based solely on peripherals

Not likely face-to-face,

It’s a sort of warped reality

In reality’s place!

He’ll focus on a particular

Feature or a style,

To generalize fantasy

To generate a smile…

If he’d just be more comfortable

with real people nearby,

He would not have to pretend

With a tearful eye!

We hope he learns to wake up

And seek out friendships real,

Not shallow generated

Images to feel,

In all his isolation

He’s held onto a few,

Who aren’t just fuzzy figments

With no living to do.

He’s getting so long-winded

I’m sure few understand,

The shadows around him–

He is a lonely man–

Apparently has not grown up

But will harshly criticize,

While missing opportunity

Right before his eyes!

–J.E.C.

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SATURDAY COVER MAN

SATURDAY COVER MAN

(TO: “Popeye the Sailor Man”)

I’m a Saturday Cover Man,

I work when one has other plans…

I substitute

But this was my route,

Most things I understand!

Was hired to work weekends

It’s been a long time since then…

Was switched to week nights

With all those delights,

‘Til now, haven’t returned again!

He and I became friends,

From seven years of weekends…

Our sympathy

To his family,

Next week this covering ends.

–Jonathan Caswell

NATIONAL GRAMMAR DAY?

Literary Dysmorphia

writer 300x225 Literary Dysmorphia

If you know me at all, you know that a 1st grader could easily beat me in a spelling bee. This is pretty awesome for little shin-biters around the world, but a bit disconcerting for me. So generally, I tell them they are spelling the word wrong because I’m a grown-up and I’m smarter than them. They listen… thus the problem with spelling and grammar in today’s world.

fewer 300x300 Literary DysmorphiaYesterday was National Grammar Day: a day where those who feel inferior to the rest of the world can thumb their noses at those they deem simple-minded. While I don’t equate myself with these people, I did recently exclaim in the grocery store, “Look! They used the correct word ‘fewer’ rather than ‘less’ on their sign!” Then I only heard crickets chirping from all the other shoppers who had no idea what I was talking about. Fortunately, my friend Jason was there to be excited with me, or I might have had to remind these strangers who I am and then they would have been embarrassed.

This had me thinking. Am I a grammar geek? I don’t bother to spell-check emails or edit them before I hit send. I often have to think if I should use the word “lay” or “lie”, and I might as well forget trying to use the word “moot” properly. Then again, you should see the people rushing to loosen my corsets and give me mouth-to-mouth when I hit publish by accident before editing a post.*

spell check 300x187 Literary Dysmorphia

I didn’t think I was a grammar geek… until recently. I told my friend Rod that I’m pretty sure I have what I like to call Literary Dysmorphia. Here I was, trucking along as a narcissistic blogger who loosely called herself a writer because… well, why the heck not? My amazing ability to fool people into believing I knew what I was doing led to much better writers than myself asking me to edit their works. This was great, because I had no friggin’ clue what I was doing. But being super awesome, I faked my way through it. Recently, I’ve been asked by a few people if I can hook them up in the editing world. But the most flattering of all was being found by the CEO of a huge editing company, and then being offered compensation to write something for them. It wasn’t much, but it was ego-stroking to say the least.

Literary Dysmorphia is defined by me as seeing your writing through warped goggles. Some writers are on their high horses thinking that they are better than everyone else, and can’t understand how others get published. Some of us are practically perfect, but are scared to death to actually write a book. Therefore, we cover ourselves in bacon grease and let dogs bite us so we don’t have to face that demon.

I’m a day late and a dollar short, but happy grammar day, y’all.

grammar day 300x129 Literary Dysmorphiax,
Becca
Lady or Not… Here I Come!

*I totally noticed that this sentence was a run-on, but I make my own grammar rules, so shut it.

I WAS AWAKE ALL NIGHT…!

I WAS AWAKE ALL NIGHT…!

I made a pot of coffee

And drank the whole thing down,

In the course of an evening

I really went to town…

Lacing it with HALLS lozenges

The sinuses to clear,

And now I cannot get asleep…

That’s why I’m blogging here!

I lacked proper nutrition

But got my insulin,

I should be feeling better

With taking medicine…

I’m yawning in the daylight

It seems such a shame,

When it is time to go back to work

I’ll do it all again!

–Jonathan Caswell

ELECTION DAY IS COMING!

ELECTION DAY IS COMING

(Parody words to the tune of “Christmas is Coming”)

 

ELECTION DAY IS COMING

The votes will be cast soon,

Will each candidate face each other at High Noon…

If you haven’t got the popular

The electoral college will do,

If you haven’t the electoral college…

This year you are through!

Lots of local issues, in every town,

Can’t stand the Warren—vote for Brown*—

If you don’t have what’s popular

The Party line will do,

If you can’t take the Party line

Then too bad for you!

 

—Jonathan Caswell

*Elizabeth Warren and Senator Scott Brown are running against each other in Massachusetts for the Federal Senate seat Scott Brown won last time.